I love music. I use music to insulate myself so I can complete tasks. I use music to alter my moods. I use music to help me recall things or feel new things. Like, I wrote Descendants of Hagar to a soundtrack of mostly Nina Simone and some other jazz artist from the early 1900’s. Whenever that didn’t help me arrive in the fictional town, Zion, I was creating I would play N’dambi’s “Ode 2 Nina.”
I thoughtfully chose and organized uptempo music for working out and then a cool down mix. I made the list long so I had options and wouldn’t get burned out. Over the years I’ve added and deleted songs. Over the years I’ve grown, which has expanded my views on music and made me more adventurist. I listen to songs of artists whose name I can’t remember. I love songs that I must explain by singing a bit of the hook, because I’m aware I don’t know the actual title.
I love so much music and feel loved by so much music, you have to know how devastated I was when my Ipod of seven years refused to come on. I would have happily paid to repair it, but there is no way to change the battery. I finally got it to respond to my new laptop, but it was so outdated there were other adventures for actually getting to the music. Once I finally got my pc to play the library, I bought a new Ipod to transfer all of my playlists. Then I learned that Ipods don’t share libraries if you didn’t actually buy the music from Itunes. I’ve bought a few singles from Itunes because there are artist I don’t trust to make entire great projects. So I only get what’s popular that I like. Those few singles showed up on the new Ipod, but thousands of other songs, entire projects were lost for good.
I’ve moved so much, dated, shared, left and lost music. It was heart breaking to find I didn’t have access to all that music.
Now, I’m building my Ipod up again. I’m seeking out songs I believe I can’t live without. In the process I’m learning more about my favorite artists, going to more live concerts and hearing lyrics clearer. I’m also cultivating a different vibe in my life. I also think that on some level we are programing ourselves by whatever we listen to repeatedly. So I’m asking myself, what am I playing on repeat for my subliminal. Some music I use to love, today I can’t figure out why I was even open to it.
I’m letting go and not allowing myself to be anchored by my own expectations. Like, there are songs I went looking for thinking, “this is my song.” Then once I played them, the beat or the words rubbed me the wrong way. I tried rationalizing, went against my spirit arguing “this is a classic” or “this got 4 mics.” “Every song is not for every mood,” I told myself. Turns out it wasn’t any of that, I am different and what I need and want has changed. I following an internal knowing more than an industry nod.
Maybe I should be purging music every so many years.
Anyway, now, I’m sampling a lot of things and finding new things to love. I’m also finding that if you really love something it never leaves you even when you some how lose touch with it. So, I’m going through Alice Coltrane CDs finding new music of hers to love, in addition to the few songs I’d had before. I’m also finding new music from artist who, because I was in a different space I hadn’t even cared to put certain songs in Itunes. Old music is sounding brand new and every once in a while I come across a song I’d forgotten and it’s like recognizing an old friend in the face of a stranger, and them reaching out to hug you… inviting you to catch up with them. It’s a good warm conversation, nostalgia and laughter.
I’m finding new spaces in my soul and new meditations. I was initially very upset about the lost. Now I’m grateful for the opportunity to question whether something feeds my spirit or weighs it down. I’m feeling a lot lighter these days and anchored at the same time.
I’m in a beautiful space of observation, of finding or better yet acknowledging.
Love Love Love