A restrospective 7/19/2015

I was looking for something else when I came across this video.  It’s painful to watch.  Mainly because I am struggling to embrace who I am.  Mainly because, I am surrounded by people who do not support my being.  They are people who I believe, think they love me sincerely.  What does love look like?  How does one perform the act of love?  I think it’s challenging when all the people around you are dealing with hurt and in various stages of healing or denial.

I don’t think walking away from people is the solution.  However the work required to stand with folks who are suffering, while you are suffering is at times overwhelming.

This video made me sad and impressed.  Sad, because as soon as I started watching it all I could do was criticize myself… All I could hear were negative things I’ve heard about it.  I have to be forgiving of those comments because I myself made them… I have to allow those comments, because we all need others to help us get a clear picture of how we are perceived… received.  It made me reconsider all of my relationships.  I haven’t watched it since I initially made it. I still didn’t watch it all the way through today.

I was impressed.  One that I’d made a video, because I’d forgotten it existed.  I was impressed that I documented my attempt to work through some of the stuff I’ve been handed regarding my weight, natural hair, skin color, voice and goals.  I still don’t know how anyone learns to love their self, outside of simply loving themselves.  So here I am, present in my body.  Deciding to make myself at home in my being.

 

 

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Frustrated. Trying to stay motivated.

I’ve literally been asking God, if I’m being punished going in the wrong direction.  I’m devastated confused.  Sometimes, you are going in the right direction and there are tons of obstacles to build character and prepare you for the position you’re achieving.  Other times, there are road blocks because you are going in the wrong direction.  I’m hurting; my spirit needs to do more than survive.  I’m constantly being challenged; emotionally, mentally, financially and physically.  I’m disappointed.  Nothing is ever all good.  It’s like, “have this freshly grilled steak with all the trimmings, served on a filthy trashcan lid.”  On one hand, I have so many amazing opportunities.  On another, I’ve got some struggles that make it challenging to be present in gratitude.Frustrated

So much good has happened I feel guilty and ungrateful that I’m sad.  This blog feels dramatic.  I am still ashamed of owning my feelings and talking about how I feel.  I struggle with my sense of self worth.

I am grateful. I am afraid.  I am tired.  I just want something to work out completely without stipulations or manipulations.  I hate when I have to make a decision and I don’t like any of the choices.  I am praying for better choices.

I am praying for freedom spiritually, artistically and physically.  I am praying for better health.  I am praying for more light, more love and more support.  I am grateful for the people who hug me with the intent of lifting my spirit.  I am grateful the people who look at me and see me.  I am grateful for laughter and this air condition.  I am grateful for being able to finally type on one of my laptops.

I am grateful being here in this moment, writing and filling blank pages.  I am grateful for the freedom to speak my truth.  I am grateful for those who read me.  I am grateful for those who love me.  I am grateful for friendships without competition.  I am grateful for honesty.  I am grateful always being able to grow from every situation.  I am grateful for discernment.  I am grateful for connection.  I am grateful for being chosen to do the work I will manifest.  I am grateful for productivity.  I am grateful for a spirit of determination.  I am grateful for dreams that are hope.  I am grateful to still be hopeful.  I am grateful I am heard.  I am grateful to be in a space of learning to know and articulate my needs.  I am grateful to be curious.  I am grateful to love a creative challenge.  I am grateful for all the places I’ve been that taught me where I needed and want to be.

I am praying for my clarity.  I am praying for clearer answers. I am praying for a path of light in this dark place.

I am grateful I am loved.

I am grateful I am light.

I am grateful that I have am everything I need to be.

I am grateful that I have everything I need.

I am grateful that I am who I am.

I am grateful.