I was looking for something else when I came across this video. It’s painful to watch. Mainly because I am struggling to embrace who I am. Mainly because, I am surrounded by people who do not support my being. They are people who I believe, think they love me sincerely. What does love look like? How does one perform the act of love? I think it’s challenging when all the people around you are dealing with hurt and in various stages of healing or denial.
I don’t think walking away from people is the solution. However the work required to stand with folks who are suffering, while you are suffering is at times overwhelming.
This video made me sad and impressed. Sad, because as soon as I started watching it all I could do was criticize myself… All I could hear were negative things I’ve heard about it. I have to be forgiving of those comments because I myself made them… I have to allow those comments, because we all need others to help us get a clear picture of how we are perceived… received. It made me reconsider all of my relationships. I haven’t watched it since I initially made it. I still didn’t watch it all the way through today.
I was impressed. One that I’d made a video, because I’d forgotten it existed. I was impressed that I documented my attempt to work through some of the stuff I’ve been handed regarding my weight, natural hair, skin color, voice and goals. I still don’t know how anyone learns to love their self, outside of simply loving themselves. So here I am, present in my body. Deciding to make myself at home in my being.