I’m contemplating this saying, “We teach people how to treat us.” I’m considering my treatment and asking myself what kind of instructions am I giving. I am surrounded by love. I am surrounded by creative, passionate, hardworking, evolving, spiritual and loving people. I think they are reflections of who I am.
A few people, ones closest to me have really hurt me lately. I can’t teach my parents or family how to treat me by what I allow. I needed them before I knew about allowing. Now that I can choose what I allow, I’m considering relationships where I’m being hurt. I don’t feel like I’m accepting this behavior. But maybe I am. I don’t believe in abandoning people because we are all human and I’ve definitely harmed. I’ve definitely been inconsiderate, callous, selfish and dysfunctional.
I am grateful for all the people who stayed. I am grateful for their forgiveness and belief in me being a better person than a moment, action or words. I am grateful for their honesty, in speaking their expectations and allowing room and time for me to grow. Also, I am grateful for them acknowledging and accepting me as a changed person. Sometimes after we’ve hurt someone, all they see is how we’ve hurt them. They don’t see how we’ve grown or how sincere we are about not hurting them, others or ourselves.
Forgiveness teaches me not to take it personal when someone hurts my feelings. Because I’ve been forgiven and I’ve forgiven myself I enter every situation in that awareness. We all have pasts. A lot of people are not operating in the moment. A lot of people are responding to what they are projecting… Even me. I’m projecting forgiveness. I’m projecting compassion.
I’m projecting all the things a few people haven’t given me. There are people who have decided to remain angry with me. Which I’m grateful for too. It reminds I cannot control other’s perception. It teaches me to accept myself and walk free of my past. It reminds me how hurt can anchor us in the past. It reminds me how I cannot limit anyone’s growth to my experience with them, especially years ago. It encourages me to tackle any unresolved anger.
I used to feel guilty and wish there was something I could do to smooth out the places I’ve made mistakes. Forgiveness is the only way I know to make peace with our past. I had to forgive others before I could begin to really forgive myself. I found when it was most difficult to forgive others it was because of what I allowed. I wasn’t actually angry with them, but with myself for not trusting my intuition or setting good boundaries. So whenever I see someone, who is still in a weird space regarding me, I can’t help but wonder what opportunity are they using me to avoid… Maybe I’m projecting.
I have let some people go, who showed it as their goal to be harmful and dishonest. Like they are/were actively working towards disguising destruction and being less detectable. I don’t speak against destructive people. I’m always hopeful they will change. More importantly, anyone paying attention will know. Anyone not paying attention will learn. I also don’t speak against them, because like me, they may be different. I believe commitments to destructive behavior is a complete lack of faith in themselves and others, so they are trying to create an optimal situation with dishonesty, destruction and harm. I’ve found this to be a huge issue for religious people who when presented with the truth, choose a lie and call it faith. I am always praying for all of our healing. Black women, we have so much inherited dysfunction.
I definitely inherited hatred for my skin, my hair, my body type and even speaking my mind. Now, I feel like I love myself. Could I love me more? Yes. Am I working towards that? Every day, I love me a little bit more.
But let me be real. I don’t always stick to the diets I put myself on. I go to sleep or hang out on Facebook when I could be working out. I stay up watching Netflix, reading, writing, drawing, researching or whatever when I should be asleep. Then I’m exhausted and suffering the next day. That’s not love. LOL! I’d even argue, I’m more forgiving of others than I am of myself. I beat myself up for being human. I don’t write as much as I should. I don’t paint as much as I could. There are tons of opportunities I am not following up on, and I feel that isn’t loving me… So if I had to speak for how I’m loving myself I’d say I’m a pretty shitty lover. So there is room to grow… I can also see how others witnessing the way I break promises to myself may feel they can half ass love me too.
So where do I draw the line? What is too much? When do I end relationships with people? How do I teach people to treat me better? Especially as I’m practicing loving me better as I write. This is my meditation.