I am in a constant state of change. Some of it is by choice, most of it is forced by circumstances. I’m aging, lol, so I can’t eat the things I use to. I’m aging so I have to work out… Or some mornings I wake up and it feels like some parts of my body are going to give up. I was watching a documentary on Misty Copeland eating candy cursing myself for not going to the gym more consistently. Did I say consistently. I don’t think I’ve been in almost two weeks. There was a snow storm… But that’s not an excuse. LOL!
Anyway, I think I know the way, something inside is telling me which way to go… But I’ve been so hurt in the directions I’ve chosen, I’m afraid to take another step forward. I don’t know how I will survive the suffering. So I’ve been seeking advice on how to move into the path I’m being nudged to go on. I find when I tell friends what choices I’m facing, they are dismissive of my apprehension. I wonder if they recognize how much struggle I’ve gone through and how much more I’d be taking on. When they are like, just move in the direction. I need a place to give me courage to move… I don’t know. I need a place where people sympathize with the struggle. Where we don’t pretend everything is amazing when it fucking sucks.
I need to know what to do, other than complain, when life fucking sucks. I need tools. I need a new way of thinking. I’ve been meditating and doing stream of consciousness writing every day… I have become more active, but I’ve also become a little anxious and impatient. I’m hurting just considering all the ways I will have to be different and all the people I will have to let go. Everyone can’t go with you. Sometimes you can’t even take yourself, the self you’ve been.
I Googled, how to deal with fear, and it offered this book, The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times. I’ve heard of Pema Chodron and I think I’ve read some of her quotes and loved them. There are other books on the subject, but I didn’t feel they would work for who I am, how I am and who I’m becoming.
I recently learned, that the idea of happy endings is basically great marketing. It’s right up there with the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and then the idea of heaven. It makes hard when we think we deserve things or that because of something we did or didn’t do life is hard. The truth is, life is life. Some children have never harmed a soul but are born in warring nations, sometimes they are forced to become warriors sometimes they are killed by stray bullets. We don’t always get what we deserve. We all deserve to be happy, loved, loving and to feel safe. We all deserve people to support and encourage our dreams and goals. We all deserve to find out how our individuality helps all of humanity reach and retain certain goals. This is our life purpose. We all deserve to feel we have a purpose. Unfortunately, life is always going to have its drawbacks. Because life is not the Utopian reality, there are large amounts of dysfunction. So the goal is to learn how to remain positive, adaptable and grateful in those moments. The goal is to still fulfill our life purpose and create our happiness…
One of my greatest hopes is that one day I will be financially free and that I will own more of my time. So that I am free to imagine, create and give.
In this thinking, I’ve realized the only thing holding me back is fear. I’ve decided not to live in fear. I want to live in love. I want to be loved and loving. I am choosing to live a life of purpose and creativity. To help, motivate and collaborate to bring about more creations, more change.
I read recently that the opposite of love isn’t hate, but fear. Hate is a manifestation of fear. But so is apathy, complacency, hopelessness, skepticism… I want to not be in a place that isn’t love. I want to get beyond my fears, so I’ve started reading this book and so far it’s been shifting my thinking. I’m not calling what I’ve feared “the places that scare me” any more. Just calling those places “unknown” or maybe even “new adventure.”
I never actually come back and write follow up book reports/review blogs. Maybe I should.
Love says, “Write about how this book is changing your life. Others will appreciate it.”
Fear says, “You are being too open and people will judge you.”
Ego Says, “No one is reading your blog anyway so you’d just be wasting your time and energy to do a follow up. Then again, you wrote this blog, Drama Queen.”
The Perfectionist in me would like to put this disclaimer. I wrote this blog in about 20 mins and I’m not here for perfect grammar or spelling. This is a stream of consciousness… I’m willing to correct any statement that makes unclear my thoughts. But I’m not going to change it for minor errors. I’m here for free expression, exchanges of ideas, suggestions of good books, finding more light in all this darkness and love.