A few months ago, I woke up and realized living is a gift. I also realized my life is momentary. Then I didn’t want to take another moment for granted.
I’ve always had a hard time saying no to others. Either I feel guilty or I’m afraid I’ll be abandoned. I have a hard time telling myself no, because I feel like I’ve suffered, sacrificed, missed a lot of opportunities and generally don’t have a good life. Yes, chile, my self talk needs some serious change. So I was rationalizing not being disciplined. Then suffering the consequences as my lot in life.
Which brings me to the main truth, I don’t say no to myself, because I lack discipline. Which I’m working on. It’s a practice. A habit to start. Instead of saying, “I’m never doing this again” or “I’m giving up X.” I say, “Let’s work out today.” “Let’s not eat X today. Just today.” I break huge goals into doable small steps.
Now, I don’t waste energy on people or things that don’t aid in my growth. I don’t try to make people change. I tell people the truth as I see it when asked and I don’t worry about what they will do with that information. We are all responsible for the pace of our own journey. There are conversations I had years ago I’ve only recently been able to comprehend. I’m finding love in the most unusual places… myself. Imagine that, realizing you don’t have to look for love because you are love.
Instead of being upset there is a problem. Now I am actively evaluating if I am the person who can fix it. Also, I’m learning boundaries. I know I can only do what I can do. With that being said, I don’t always know what I can do, so sometimes I challenge myself to find a solution. Other times, I’m at peace to do whatever is on my heart or whatever is within my power. I am ok to bring my gifts to the spaces and people I wish to nurture. I recognize I can’t be all things to all people, I am not even all things to myself… and yet I’m everything to myself. (this is one of those things it took me years to understand. It sounds like I’m talking in circles but it’s a direct statement. I can’t always heal what is wrong with me, but I know how to find a healer. I am not all things to myself but I can find whatever I need… and in that I am everything to myself. Sorry for the tangent, you may have got it the first time… me, it took a couple years. Anyway, I am ok to say I don’t know and give others the opportunity to bring their gifts or expertise. I don’t feel guilty when no one shows up in the ways I know I cannot. I am sad, because so many of us are sleeping on our calling and that’s holding us all back. Still I can only be all of myself and I’m at peace.
I’m open to feedback. I am always evaluating how I can be a better friend, lover, human being, activist, editor, instructor, consultant, worker, leader, follower, writer, painter, creator and support system. I am always looking for ways to impact at least one child. I am always open to sharing my journey unedited with newer beings to spare them lessons I learned the hard way.
Now, I’m intentional about the spaces and energy I want to nurture. As a result, the only time I have to say no is when there is a schedule conflict. The people I’ve built relationships are not wounded by my absence but freed to find someone who can be there. Can you imagine being part of a community where no one feels abandoned, because we all are practicing loving ourselves unconditionally.
I am surrounded by people who are committed to evolving, living their truth and supporting others’s ability to be autonomous. Through these connections, volunteer opportunities and learning I discovering new ways to be. I am finding we never become, we always are. I am acknowledging myself in life’s challenges. I am starting to think life’s challenges exist so that we can see ourselves.
I am seeing how it is the small things that make larger things happens. It is all the conversations we have at our friends’ house over a meal, or on commercial breaks between our favorite shows. It is during the walk we take when they are hurting that we have epiphanies. It is during our struggles to survive and get beyond survival our greatest collaborations are born.
I have so many great ideas. I have so many plans. I am so determined and persistent it scares others. It scares me. I’m afraid because I can feel how easy it is not to say how I feel or speak the truth. How I feel is not always the truth. Feelings are not facts. There is comfort in silence but not salvation, not understanding and definitely no resolutions. There are no new actions explored from our silence.
Other people are afraid because, one person told me, she doesn’t know people’s intentions. You may be volunteering to grow or because you feel it is our responsibility as a human beings to help each other. Someone else is volunteering to put it on their resume, to meet a degree requirement, as a commitment to their fraternity or sorority, or they have been appointed by the court as the result of being convicted of a crime. The result is the same, all these people are here to help. The motivations change the energy and consideration of the help. People who believe someone who is beneath them may talk down to those who are being helped. People who are angry they have to do community service may be careless and not follow health code standards for those serving the public. Which is upsetting for the person who sees everyone as equals and realizes they at times need help maybe not in the way they are volunteering.
Also, when people have different motivations they can take you off your path if you aren’t clear about your destiny. As a writer, I’ve definitely considered taking another road more than I’d like to admit. I’ve always got someone telling me based on my skill set and my commitment to learning I could be far more financially successful. Yes, if I want to survive as an artist and writer I have to find ways to monetize my work. At the same time, what I consider successful is different from someone who chooses a job solely on what it pays. I choose based on what is put on my spirit. I’m not saying people who choose money are not spiritual or making any kind of judgment. I am just pointing out that what makes each of us happy is different and I’ve allowed people to determine for me that I don’t know what makes me happy. I’m currently embracing my path as I write. We all, let me not speak for others, I, had to learn how to accept help without being derailed from my own destiny.
Losing sight of your purpose and goals is a real threat. There are so many external distractions it’s easy to forget ourselves. For this reason, I believe people can miss their destiny. Instead of living their purpose they could get lost making excuses or being afraid of it. They could die trying to live up to other people’s expectations or trying to be someone, when we are all already someone. They could die always trying to be someone specific, imitating them, contemplating how that person would resolve a situation. Which is an insult to their spirit, each of our spirits know the way we should go.
With that being said, I don’t want to assume the role of judgment. I’m just offering this blog as an opportunity for greater awareness. I’ve definitely been afraid of my light. I’ve definitely been drawn to another’s light and because I didn’t recognize my own want to possess it or be them. Even as I am writing now, I’m sometimes overwhelmed and exhausted by the amount of responsibility I’ve taken on standing in my own divinity… and I’m just talking about practicing loving myself and being love. I haven’t even gotten to all the ways I manifest self love and loving others.
I’m doing the Artist Way, again… and I’m going to write daily. Not here, because the exercise requires complete unfiltered and unedited openness. I don’t want my ego awake as I write and align myself or remain aligned. Whatever goodness I sift from my writing and feel will benefit others I will share.
I’m so excited about this new journey… Or finally finding the road already laid within.
Love and Light to all the beautiful souls finding me, as I’m acknowledging myself. Love and Light to all the beautiful souls seeking ways to build deepr relationships with themselves.